Esther Perel Thinks the Key to Empowering Women Is Focusing on Men

The #MeToo movement has sparked valuable conversations about gender, power, and sex around the world. It also poses the question: What is the matter with men?

Plenty, you might say. But I’m talking about a sickness and sadness that is real. Consider: While many women struggle with depression, men are more likely to commit suicide, research shows. And compared with women, men have twice the risk of heart disease, just one of the various ailments that, on the whole, drives them to earlier graves.

Why is this? If the world is so set up to favor men, how is it that vast numbers of them are miserable?

I’ve worked as a couples therapist internationally for decades. In all that time I have focused on relationships—what makes them flourish, what zaps them of their romance. But recently I have felt compelled to turn more attention toward men. From what I’ve seen, the level of shame that men deal with around their identity as a man has made it almost impossible for them to seek and receive the support they need to thrive in their interpersonal relationships. That has grave ramifications for women. Insecure men demean women, sometimes worse. So of course women are frustrated. But just as retribution does not mend a relationship, neither is it a long-term solution to a societal ill. Punish­ment is warranted in some cases. But a resignation or dismissal from a high-profile job, for example, is not the sole option. It does not always provide complete (or even partial) restitution for victims, nor is it a blanket fix.

We’ve been tempted to zero in on a few bad apples, but that approach is misguided. Centuries of data tell us purges don’t work. The issue is bigger than individuals, and censure alone is not a path forward.

I believe that the lives of women cannot improve, that women cannot thrive, until men free themselves from the constraints of the male code. As my colleague Terry Real says, the patriarchy hurts us all.

Five decades ago feminists like Gloria Steinem articulated a new vision of what womanhood in America could look like. That led women to rethink their identities at work and at home. Yet since that time no similar movement has come for men, who are now as trapped in a gender box as ever. Research shows fathers are more emotional with daughters and physical with sons. And from age four, boys may well begin to sever their emotional connections to others so that they can become self-­sufficient, fearless, and competitive.

The norms that define manhood are pernicious. But it need not take millennia to rewrite them. This kind of transformation is possible in just a decade or two. For evidence, look at how the relationship between parents and children has evolved. Most parents I counsel don’t follow the hierarchical model that I experienced as a child; instead they work to create a connection built on genuine closeness and emotion.

So what do men need? (I know, the idea that women have to take action to save men doesn’t feel quite fair. But I’m impatient for progress, so why not hasten the pace of the revolution?) To me, it boils down to three essential factors:

Men need spaces to connect. In America in particular I’ve found there’s a sense that when women gather, it creates collaboration, but when men gather, it leads to violence. Not at all. It depends on the context. I was just in a village in Greece where the men meet at 7:00 A.M. after they fish. These men bond. Perhaps they don’t always discuss their deepest emotions, but each knows the others are there for him. Based on hundreds of men I’ve talked to, very few equivalents exist in America after the Little Leagues of childhood (and boys’ sports aren’t even an ideal framework, given their frequent emphasis on violence and competition). When men do gather, I’ve seen them share their stories. In the workshops I’ve led, where a protected environment is created, men remember the times they’ve felt like less of a man. That in turn helps reduce shame. It makes room for them to be vulnerable, not weak.

We need to promote platonic male-female friendships. How can men learn to respect women if boys never spend time with girls? I’ve seen in my practice how formative those early interactions with the opposite sex can be. When my sons were children, I sent them to Europe each summer because I felt there they could better see that there are many ways to be a boy. They didn’t need to measure their “manhood” by how many women were interested in them, and that allowed them to pursue genuine friendships with girls. Freed from the constant pressure to “perform,” they could be around women without sexualizing or fetishizing them. When women are made alien to men, an unhealthy fixation starts.

We must push for better sex education. Schools are the obvious place to jettison outdated gender roles and to explore issues around consent. But so far that kind of curriculum has been restricted to a class or two in high school. In the Netherlands comprehensive sex education starts at age four, with children learning about consent in terms of wanted or unwanted hugs, for example. The result: Most teens in the Netherlands report that their first sexual experiences were “wanted and fun.” According to one report from the National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy, in the U.S. a full two-thirds of teens wished they’d waited longer to have sex for the first time. If frank conversations about sex and consent happened earlier, men and women would be better equipped to know both what they want and how to ask for it. That wouldn’t just mean better sex. It would mean better communication overall.

“Me Too” isn’t the end of a conversation. It’s the start of one. Let’s make room for men to be a part of it.

Esther Perel is a psychotherapist, a speaker, an author, and the host of the podcast Where Should We Begin?

Related Content:

Melinda Gates on Paid Leave, Gender Disparities at Work, and #MeToo: ‘I Get That Men Are Scared’

Pamela Anderson Says #MeToo ‘Paralyzes Men,’ Thinks ‘Feminism Is a Bore’

What Happens When Sexual Assault Survivors Sit Down With the Men Who Attacked Them?

[Rethinking Infidelity: Esther Perel’s TED Talk] (/story/rethinking-infidelity-ted-talk-marriage)

How Much to Tip at the Nail Salon: Your Ultimate Guide

No matter how many times you’ve stepped foot in a salon, figuring out whom to tip, how frequently, and how much can feel like an ever-changing equation, and that’s especially true when it comes to nail services. In 2015, an explosive article from the New York Times revealed that nail technicians in New York City were making an average of $3 an hour, when in the same year, the nail industry was said to have raked in $8.51 billion. Since then, transparency around tipping and nail artist wages has gotten slightly better, but the topic still remains somewhat murky.

According to the U.S. Department of Labor, nail techs should be paid at least the federal minimum wage ($7.25 an hour) and compensated for “all work performed, whether or not the employer approves the work in advance; this includes time spent in training, traveling from site to site during the day, and any work performed ‘off the clock.'” Although it’s worth noting that some states, like Massachusetts and Washington, require a much higher minimum wage ($11/hour and $11.50/hour, respectively), and employers are expected to follow those specific state directives.

In a recent survey by Nails Magazine, the average service income for nail technicians in 2017 was approximated to be $653 per week, which averages out to about $31,344 a year. But considering 74 percent of those polled said they provided all of their own supplies, tools, and equipment, with the majority spending between $100 and $400 a month to do so, many nail techs end up bringing home much less than what they’ve been estimated to earn.

What’s more, some nail techs rent their own booths from salons (similar to hair stylists), which costs a national average of $445.36 a month. These hidden costs can make it nearly impossible for some nail artists to make a livable wage, which means tipping your nail artist a proper amount is more critical than ever. (Many of them are relying on it!) But just how much is enough?

To figure out this and more, Glamour talked to nail artists and owners around the country to weed out the best practices for tipping at the nail salon, from where your hard-earned cash goes to what percentage of that money actually ends up in your technician’s bank account. Read on for their unfiltered opinions and advice.

What Nail Artists Are Actually Making

At Lacquer salon in Austin, TX, nail techs make between $13 to $15 an hour, depending on their experience and clientele, and while the nail artists make their own schedules, most are working an average of 30 to 40 hours a week. At Poppy & Monroe in Nashville, TN, nail techs work an average of 7 hours per day and also earn an hourly rate. “We start at $16 per hour, and then that goes up based on experience,” explains Karen Kops, a licensed nail technician and owner of the Nashville salon.

Before opening the business, Kops went to school to become a licensed nail tech, and during this time “realized how demanding and tough this job is.” For that reason she chooses to pay the salon’s techs hourly, rather than provide commission, as a way of encouraging a better working environment. And while the cost for services at Poppy & Monroe is higher than other salons in the area ($35 to $55 compared to $15 to $35), the nail technicians are guaranteed to take home above minimum wage. “It’s important that when [nail techs] step into a shop, they get paid for the time they’re there,” Kops says.

But many salons don’t pay their nail techs hourly. Instead, those salon owners pay their nail artists commission only, which means, since they’re receiving no base rate, their pay is dependent on the number of clients they have that day, rather than the number of hours they’ve worked. For some, this pay system may seem appealing, especially if their commission nets out to at-or-above minimum wage. But for others, this hasn’t always been the case, and it can lead to grueling work conditions, longer hours, a more competitive work environment (with nail techs vying for each other’s clients), and less-than-desirable pay.

Hourly Rate vs. Commission vs. Booth Rental: What’s the Difference?

Before opening her first location in downtown Austin in 2015, Lacquer salon owner Carla Hatler did extensive research on nail salon practices in the Austin area. Over the course of three years, she found that beauty service providers frequently worked long hours and made below-minimum-wage-commission. “I understand it’s a low-margin business, so [some salons] are trying to find ways to make money, but you’re supposed to be guaranteeing that your staff is being paid minimum wage,” explains Hatler. And this isn’t exclusive to cheaper salons; Hatler found that high-end salons were doing it, too: “They’re not following labor laws.” That’s why, since opening the doors of her salon, Hatler chose to pay her nail techs hourly. “That’s one of the reasons our prices are higher,” she says.

Even so, commission-based pay is still the most popular method for nail salons, and while in some cases, salons offer low commission percentages that force nail techs to become dependent on tips, in others, commission percentages are more substantial. At Base Coat in Denver, CO, for example, nail techs have the option to either earn an hourly rate, which starts at $13/hour (and is above minimum wage) or earn 35 to 50 percent commission per service. The techs work 8-hour days, but with a one-hour lunch break built into their schedules. Tran Wills, the salon’s owner, explains she “grew up in salons,” (her mother, also a nail tech, has worked in one all of her life) and so for this reason, Wills wanted to make sure her techs were taking home a fair amount. Before tips, Base Coat nail artists can make anywhere between $2,500 to $3,500 a month, Wills says.

At Olive and June in Los Angeles, a shop sign explains the reasoning behind a new 10 percent charge appearing on customers’ bills. “We are proud to announce that we’ve transitioned our manicurist team from freelancers to employees,” the sign reads, continuing: “In order to help support this, an employee benefits charge of 10 percent will be added to all services. This charge is not a tip.”

In other cases, nail techs have the option to rent a booth. Explains Wills: “[Some nail techs] rent a space within the salon, pay flat monthly rent to the studio owner and take no commission.” In those cases, Wills explains, nail techs would operate as their own business owners, providing their own clients and tools, and booking their own appointments. “It’s not really [as] common for nails technicians as it is for hair stylists,” Wills says. “Nail technicians who do this [typically] have a huge clientele and want to be their own boss.”

How Much to Tip

In the end, tipping is all about customer satisfaction, so a standard 15 to 20 percent per nail tech, per service is a fair amount, assuming you were happy with your experience. At Laquer salon in Austin, nail technicians receive an average 18 percent tip for each service, though some customers will tip as high as 30 percent. “It’s really based on the relationship that [our customers] have [with our nail techs] and how great they felt their service was,” concludes Hatler. At Poppy & Monroe in Nashville, the tips are closer to 20 percent. “If for any reason we don’t [provide great service], then I can understand a lower gratuity, but I would I say 95 to 98 percent of the time, gratuity is 20 percent and above,” Kops explains. Similarly, at Base Coat, 20 percent gratuity is encouraged for all services.

Had one nail artist do your mani, and one do your pedi? Tip both, and always do so in cash. While some salons allow tips to be put on credit card, you’ll never be entirely certain your nail tech will end up receiving it in the end, so cash is your safest bet. While the industry does seem to be improving slightly, thanks to the growing realization around the mistreatment of nail salon workers, tipping your nail tech a fair cash gratuity can only help.

This story is part of Glamour‘s guide to tipping. Tips are approximate and based on varying factors. Learn more about how much to give in this seven-part series.

Andy Cohen’s Dream Dinner Party Guest List Probably Looks a Lot Like Yours

Andy Cohen does not spend a lot of time in the hot seat. As host of Watch What Happens Live With Andy Cohen and the Housewives reunion shows on Bravo, it’s the 50-year-old’s guests—from Priyanka Chopra to Rachel Maddow to Bethenny Frankel—who have to explain themselves. So what’s it like when the roles are reversed? Let’s roll the tape.

Glamour: At reunions, it’s up to you to press these casts and force them to address their controversies. So any advice for journalists in the Trump era?

Andy Cohen: Be patient. Hold them to the fire. Keep asking the same question until you get an answer…. Anderson [Cooper] has to interview these mistresses of Trump, and he did these debates which were really like Housewives reunions, so I do feel like my world has intersected with a lot of journalists’.

Glamour: You’ve said you’d want to see Kellyanne Conway on Housewives. Who would she be friends with if she made the cut?

AC: That’s a good question. I don’t know—we might be sending her into the lion’s den. She reminds me of Michaele Salahi [who appeared on The Real Housewives of D.C. and crashed a White House State Dinner in 2009].

Glamour: How so?

AC: You can’t get a straight answer out of her. I mean, I talked to Michaele for, like, a really long time about whether or not she was a Redskins cheerleader, and I still don’t know.

Glamour: If you and your pal John Mayer did karaoke together, what would the set list be?

AC: It would be all duets, starting with “Islands in the Stream” and ending with “Endless Love.”

Glamour: You oversee the shows most of us watch to unwind. In your spare time, what are your favorite things to binge?

AC: I love documentaries. I just watched Jane Fonda in Five Acts and Quincy on Netflix, and I rewatched Long Strange Trip, the Amazon documentary about the Grateful Dead.

Glamour: On Watch What Happens, you put some unexpected people in conversation, leading us to believe you’d throw an excellent dinner party. Dream guests?

AC: Michelle Obama, Amy Sedaris, Madonna, Oprah, Howard Stern, Queen Elizabeth, Prince Harry, and Chris Rock. And all the waiters would be gorgeous models who would wind up dancing with us after dessert.

Glamour: Does reality TV just bring out the worst in people?

AC: Sometimes. If you’re being shot for too long, you can’t hide. The camera catches everything. So if you’re trying to put on airs, it’s not going to work.

Watch What Happens Live With Andy Cohen airs Sundays through Thursdays at 11:00 P.M. ET on Bravo.

How Much to Tip at the Hair Salon: Your Ultimate Guide

There once was a time when we had to devote a huge amount of effort to uncover the truth about our beauty routines. Now we’re in a golden age of transparency. You can google just about any ingredient or Yelp whatever service and a wealth of reviews are available at the ready. And with social media holding brands accountable, they’re listening to our pleas and have begun providing the information we need to make informed decisions about the products we purchase. But there’s still one place where that ease of knowledge hasn’t extended: the salon.

Even for those of us who have been getting our hair cut and colored for decades, there’s still so much confusion around tipping. Unlike some restaurants, where your receipt gives you a gentle nudge toward gratuity by listing the exact dollar amounts for a 15, 20, or 25 percent tip, the salon is much trickier, with no indication of who (if anyone) gets extra money and how much to give. Are you supposed to tip the owner? And what if multiple assistants helped with your blowout or shampoo? There’s also the issue of knowing where your money is going: There’s much more discussion around servers’ salaries than there is around our stylists’. All these factors make the equation that much more difficult.

To shed some light on what’s really going on at the salon, Glamour talked to stylists, assistants, and owners around the country to find out. From where your hard-earned cash goes to what (and who) you really should be tipping, read on for their unfiltered opinions and advice.

What Stylists Actually Make

Salons run on a few business models—most commonly commission-based and booth rentals (more on those later).

Commission, explains Siobhán Quinlan, a colorist at Art + Autonomy Salon in NYC, means that employees are paid for the services performed, of which they only keep a portion, usually somewhere between 40 to 60 percent of the price. The remaining percentage goes to the salon for overhead costs like utilities, product used (color, shampoo, conditioner, etc.), and amenities for both staff and clients.

Nicole Krzyminski, a stylist at Fringe salon in Chicago, breaks it down: “Say you’re getting a beautiful new color—your balayage, conditioning, and toning takes about three hours and costs around $250,” she says. “After accounting for the overhead fees and product costs, the stylist gets about $100 of that pretax.”

In some cases, stylists can also make money by convincing clients to buy a product that was used on them during their service. However, this represents a minuscule amount of revenue says Shira Devash Espinoza, a freelance stylist based in New Jersey. “When working in a salon, you’re constantly pushed and ‘rewarded’ to sell, but only earn maybe 10 percent of it if you’re lucky,” she says.

How They Spend It

So what happens to Krzyminski’s hypothetical $100? The majority of it, she says, goes toward licensing fees, personal supplies, and tools (blow-dryers, flatirons, curling irons), and continuing education classes. That means even on a jam-packed day, a stylist may only make enough take home pay to cover the essentials of food, shelter, and clothing.

Tips, on the other hand, help pay for the supplemental benefits that those not in the service industry take for granted. Says Stephanie Brown, a colorist at Manhattan’s Nunzio Saviano Salon, “It’s a physically demanding job, and most salons are too small to provide health benefits or paid vacations and sick days.”

Ladda Phommavong, a stylist at Third Space Salon in Austin, Texas, says that those gratuities are what helped her become the in-demand stylist she is today. “The tips I received from clients meant being able to take outside courses to hone my craft,” she says. “If clients knew I was saving up to take the master colorist course and that their tipping was directly contributing to me becoming a better stylist for them, I think they would definitely want to be a part of that.”

Freelance Isn’t Free

Many stylists choose to forgo the commission-based life and instead strike out on their own by renting booths in salons. This basically means paying a weekly or monthly fee—our stylist sources said they generally pay around $120 a week or $880 a month, depending on where they are based—to reserve a semipermanent spot to see clients. In these cases, stylists keep 100 percent of their service fee as well as their tips. The downside? “We pay for absolutely everything—refreshments, cups, capes, color bowls, foils, brushes, scissors, styling products,” says Jennifer Riney of Brushed Salon in Oklahoma City. They are also on the hook for paying liability insurance and credit card fees.

Freelancers like Sarah Finn, who rents a chair at The Ritz Day Spa & Salon in Watertown, New York, say that one big perk of being on their own is an uptick in tips. “I’ve worked at salons where my clients paid at a cash register and their tips went through many hands,” says Finn. “I don’t know if it’s just because they’re paying me face-to-face or if tips went missing at other places, but I definitely make more as a booth renter.”

Another option for freelancers is the coworking salon. Arturo Swayze, the founder and CEO of ManeSpace in NYC, is a pioneer of this relatively new setup. He provides short-term rentals for stylists who don’t need or want a regular stint in a salon. Stylists reserve a time slot, use an app to unlock the space, and see their clientele as needed. But even in this scenario, says Swayze, there is still uncertainty.

“Because the coworking model is so new, people really don’t know what proper tipping etiquettes are,” he explains. “Tipping is still an important aspect for these hairstylists. They are independent, but essentially have all the expenses of a salon owner, but they’re not drawing income from other stylists.”

“Each stylist is running their own small business in a way,” says Nicole Wilder of Paragon Salons in Cincinnati. “We have relied on tips as a part of our salaries for decades. We kind of signed up for that as part of it. But we work hard on our feet to make you feel beautiful.”

Helping Hands

Assistants are the unsung heroes of the salon industry—and some of the most neglected. They are involved in almost every aspect of your service. “Our duties as an assistant helping a stylist are to shampoo all clients for haircuts, apply toners, blow-dry, and mix color,” says Ocean McDaeth, one of the assistants at Art + Autonomy. “We’re also in charge of setting up the stylists for each service, keeping their stations as well as the salon clean, doing laundry, and greeting clients and making sure they are comfortable throughout [their visit].”

Since assistants don’t perform technical services, they’re usually paid a day rate by the salon owner. Many times the stylists they assist will also tip them out with a small percentage of the day’s take. “Being a hairdresser has a huge financial obligation. I think it’s fair to say we as assistants really do rely on our tips. Without them I have no idea how I’d survive in NYC,” McDaeth admits.

It’s important to note that assistants aren’t the norm in smaller salons and outside of big cities. High-end salons with a large clientele tend to hire assistants as a way to let a stylist book more appointments. If the assistant is washing your hair, this allows the stylist to have another client in their chair. When done well, you might not even notice your stylist or colorist is working with one or two other people in addition to you. This maximizes the stylists’ time and earning power, making assistants integral to a prestige salon’s operation.

While having assistants is a lifesaver for hairdressers, it can be a nightmare for clients if you’re trying to figure out who to tip. In large salons, you can have up to 10 different people touching your hair, notes Jon Reyman, a master stylist and co-owner of Spoke & Weal salons. He says that some (but not all) salons have what they call a tip pool for just that reason. “We have it set up so that whatever tip a stylist gets, a portion of that is distributed to the assistants at the end of the day. So if you tip your stylist, you tip everybody.”

Of course, there’s no way to know if that is your salon’s economic ecology, so in general, think about what the assistant has done for you. If they are shampooing, applying gloss, and/or doing your postcut blowout, it’s a good idea to throw something their way. (See our cheat sheet, below, for more on what exactly to give.)

The Owner Dilemma

While tipping your stylist seems like a no-brainer at this point (hopefully), owners are a whole different ball game. “It’s an antiquated practice to not tip owners,” says Michael Davis, owner of Smith & Davis Salon in Chicago. “We’re still providing a service and actually are no longer receiving a commission. All money we bring in goes into the operation of the business and paying the non-income-earning staff.” Adds his co-owner Stevie Smith, “After operating expenses, taxes, benefits, and general overhead, the profit margin for the salon is generally about 8 to 10 percent.”

Paul Norton, a celebrity stylist in West Hollywood, puts it a bit more bluntly: “Running a salon is expensive, and generally if the owner is still choosing to take clients, I can’t imagine that they thought, Finally, a chance to work just as hard if not harder and earn even less money!”

What’s In It for You?

Besides building a strong relationship with your stylist, being a good tipper also gives you access to a few perks. “Just as much as they show their appreciation, we like to show it back,” says Derek J, owner of the J Spot Salon in Atlanta. “When a client wants an extra-early or late appointment, we always keep what type of client it is in mind that’s asking.”

Adds Finn, “Those who are good tippers will be the ones a stylist will go above and beyond for; we’ll come in early or stay late or go in on a day off. If you don’t want to tip that’s fine, but let’s be real—if someone does tip more than expected, we will typically do more than expected for them too.”

Just don’t think that because you don’t tip that you’ll get subpar cut, says Reyman. “I’m not going to give you a different service because you did or didn’t tip me—I’m a professional,” he says.

Tipping Made Easy

If you’re unsure on exactly how to show your stylist how much you value them, we asked our panel to break it down to the basics. The usual gratuity for your stylist or colorist (yes, even if they are the owner) should be 15 to 20 percent of the service fee. And while assistants are sometimes tipped out by their stylists, it’s still a nice gesture to pass a little something their way. Davis says that if they simply got you settled and washed your hair, $3 to $5 is sufficient. However, if they were a little more involved, say blowing out your hair or doing a gloss service, $10 is more appropriate.

Another good rule to live by? Cash is king. Many salons don’t allow tipping with credit or debit cards since it’s harder to divvy. “When I was at my old salon where this was the policy, I often had days where I wouldn’t get tips at all because the clients would forget and not have cash or checks on them,” says Phommavong.

When all else fails, just ask. There’s no sense feeling awkward about not knowing what’s right for your situation. Not everyone is made of money—something stylists understand all too well—so don’t be embarrassed to ask them what’s kosher. “If you want to have a healthy relationship with your stylist, have the awkward conversation,” advises Reyman. “I would say, ‘I want to take care of you because you take care of me. What do you think is an appropriate tip?'”

At the end of the day, the most important thing to remember is that you and your stylist are on the same team—one that wants you to look and feel your best when you walk out the door. Says Brown, “No stylist ever wants you to leave unhappy; that’s bad for our business.”

This story is part of Glamour‘s guide to tipping. Tips are approximate and based on varying factors. Learn more about how much to give in this seven-part series.

Here’s How Much to Tip Your Movers

Whether you’re relocating to a new apartment in the same city or to a completely new town, moving is an expensive thing to do. Sure, you could rent a U-Haul or bribe your friends with free beer or baked goods to minimize the cost. Or you could be like me and go for the easier (read: more expensive) option and task a moving company with the heavy lifting.

But right when you think all is said and done and your most prized possessions and weird trinkets are in your new place, and you’ve started to think about where the couch should go in the living room, I’m sorry, but you’re not actually finished. You now have to pay the big bucks and tip the people who just carried your 60 pound mattress up and down dozens of stairs, miraculously fit the old couch through your new very narrow doorway, and more things your God given strength couldn’t possibly fathom. Yes, that would be your movers.

So how much exactly do you need to shell out? Well, like all tipping, it’s a little tricky. So Glamour talked to representatives from moving companies across the country to find out how much to tip, what to consider, and more in your respective geographical locations. Read on for their expert opinions.

How Much Do Movers Actually Make?

It changes from city to city, but most movers are paid hourly—the rate ranges from $14 to $30 an hour depending on experience—and tips aren’t at all included in that.

Tipping preferences vary throughout the industry, but Calvin Hughes, operations manager at Einstein Moving Company in Austin, Texas, recommends an easy formula that can determine your specific golden number. He says, “I recommend $10 per hour, per mover. So say a trip is four hours. A standard tip comes out to $40 per person.”

Another important thing to consider is the environment in which the movers are working. For the movers at Einstein Moving Company, which also has locations in Houston, Dallas, and San Antonio, Texas, the weather is an important factor. They expect more tips in the hot and humid summer months, which also happens to be their busiest time. “It’s a cyclical industry,” Hughes says, who’s been working at the company for two years. “So in the summer, when we’re open seven days a week, tips tend to be higher because it’s so hot outside. We’re sweating, so it’s visibly noticeable how hard we’re working.”

Michael Diasparra, who owns Man With A Van, which serves the New York City metro area, northern New Jersey, and southwest Connecticut, says that his movers don’t expect any monetary compensation. “[Our movers] hope for it, but we don’t demand it,” he says. He recommends tipping 20 percent of the final cost just as you would a waiter in a restaurant. But he does find that their customers do tip “a little bit more” if they work on major holidays like Christmas and New Years and, like in Texas, the summer.

On the other hand, Diana Ghiura, who works at Boston’s Stairhopper Movers as its office manager, doesn’t suggest a specific formula. “I can’t say just give them 10 percent or 20 percent,” Ghiura says. “It doesn’t work like that.” Instead, she leaves it up to the customer and their level of satisfaction. “I recommend always do whatever makes you happy,” she says. “However, it’s usually between $20 to $100 per person depending on how big the move is and how happy you are, of course.”

For Ghiura, whose company caters to the greater Boston area, the type of home is an important factor, especially for the Beacon Hill neighborhood that’s notorious for its steep hills and staircases. “Boston has really old buildings that don’t have elevators,” she says. “For my personal recommendation, I would say if you have a move that’s a fifth floor walk-up going to a fourth floor walk-up, I would tip very well [because of the labor involved].”

Do You Tip Before or After?

Mostly everyone tips after the job, Hughes says, but there’s been a few instances where people have tipped ahead of time. “There’s a story around the office, where before we even got started, this guy gave us a big tip and said, ‘Thanks for helping.'” But, Hughes warns, that comes with a flip side. It could be further incentive for movers to go above and beyond—or it could be reason to do the bare minimum since they’ve already been tipped. (But most movers stress it’s hopefully the former.)

With some moving companies, though, this isn’t an issue. For example, Man With A Van doesn’t allow or accept tips until the move is finished. “The work is not done,” Diasparra, who has owned and operated Man With A Van for 12 years, says. “How can someone tip if they don’t know how the service was?”

Do You Have To Tip Everyone Involved?

Well, yes. Even if you find that one mover is really doing more than the rest, both Einstein Moving Company and Stairhoppers have company-wide policies that require the lead mover to split the tip evenly.

“No matter what, everyone gets the same percentage of the tip if they work the whole job,” Hughes says, even if someone is doing a better or worse job. “It’s just a soldier type of mentality. Everyone’s treated the same.”

Stairhoppers’ policy echoes that sentiment. “They split it equally,” Ghurira says. She also tells customers to think about the number of movers on the job, so the cash can be evenly divided. She says, for example, “If you want to budget for a move that’s $1,200, and you want to tip $200—but you have three movers, either give $180 or $210 so the movers can split it equally in three.”

On the other hand, Man With The Van doesn’t have a company policy to divide equally, but its movers tend do it because “it’s what’s fair.”

Does a Tip Have to Be in Cash?

While some people think food and drinks suffice as a way to show gratitude, it shouldn’t be given in lieu of a pure cash tip. “There’s a saying within the industry that cash is king,” Hughes says, while acknowledging free food is never a bad thing. He says, “They’ve bought you lunch, they give you breakfast tacos in the morning, they gave you coffee and then they tip you well. That’s everyone’s dream customer!”

Ghuira says Stairhopper Movers’ employees are required to take a break for lunch or dinner. “It’s not the customer’s responsibility to pay for the lunch,” she says. “If you want to, by all means, they will be happy with it, but you don’t have to.”

So the next time you want to tip your movers in pizza, don’t. Give them the cash they deserve instead—or lug that mattress yourself.

This story is part of Glamour‘s guide to tipping. Tips are approximate and based on varying factors. Learn more about how much to give in this seven-part series.

Who and How Much to Tip at a Hotel

Between booking flights and Insta-stalking all the things you can’t miss, planning a trip can feel an awful lot like a full-time job these days. One thing many people forget to take into account, though—both in terms of budget and just in general—is that technically it’s encouraged to tip the staff members (yes, multiple) whenever you spend the night at a hotel.

Even if this isn’t news to you, the matter of how exactly to go about it isn’t readily transparent. Do you tip at the beginning of your stay or the end? Should it always be in cash? And, um, how much do you give? In short, figuring out an equation for best practices when it comes to tipping for a hotel stay can be overwhelming.

To shed some light on how much you should really be giving, to whom, and how often, we spoke with different hotel personnel across the country to find out what’s typically expected. Read on for their advice.

Who Should Guests Be Tipping?

This depends on two factors: How dependent staff members are on tips, and how great the guests feel their services were. According to Mark Hayes, General Manager of the Kimpton Aertson Hotel in Nashville, TN, the bellhop and valet staff are the most dependent on tips, because they’re “usually working below or at minimum wage,” and the same goes for in-house bartenders. Housekeepers tend to receive tips the least frequently (less than 25 percent of rooms leave tips for them). Guest service agents (those who greet arriving guests, assign rooms, issue keys, and collect guest payment and billing information) don’t rely on tips, “but are, of course, appreciative of them,” says Hayes, and while the concierge team makes the same hourly rate as the guest service agents (or greater), tipping them is more customary.

Mat Chapman, a concierge at the JW Marriott in Chicago, IL, says the doormen and bellmen are a must, particularly if they’re assisting with your luggage. “These positions do not pool or share tips typically,” he explains. If a request is made and fulfilled to the guest’s satisfaction, the concierge should also be tipped, and the same rule applies for the housekeeper.

When it comes to the hotel food and beverage staff (think: room service attendants), things get a bit more complicated. Yes, gratuity may frequently be included on your room service check—in some cases it’s listed as a service charge or delivery fee, FYI—but it can be less than the restaurant industry standard of 20 percent. Explains Hayes: “15 to 18 percent is [more] typical,” so feel free to add a few dollars if you feel the delivery warrants it. The same goes at the in-house restaurant. “At Kimpton and other new-wave hotel restaurants that are designed to stand alone, the restaurant wait staff is paid comparably to any other standalone restaurant,” says Hayes. “So please tip!”

So, the short list: The doorman, bellman, valet, food and beverage staff, shuttle drivers, housekeepers, and concierge staff. But if you’re looking for a more general rule of thumb, tipping any hourly employee you feel is providing great service is a job well done. (Pro tip: You can usually distinguish hourly employees by their name tags, which typically have only their first name listed, says Hayes.)

How Much Should You Tip—And When?

“It depends on what [the staff] is doing for you,” explains Hayes. “Grabbed your car or a bag? $2 to $5 is customary. Upgraded you, got you a tough ticket, or last-minute dinner reservation? $10 to $100, pending the difficulty of the request. Cleaned your room? $2 to $5 per day is appreciated.” Chapman also agrees that tips fluctuate depending on the service rendered: “For Doormen and bellhops, $1 to $2 per bag should be a baseline estimate. For a concierge: $5 should be a baseline starting point. Housekeepers, $2 to $5 per night, depending on the service.”

According to Melinda Vesterfelt, the front office manager at The Woodlands Inn in Wilkes Barre, PA, housekeepers are generally tipped an average of about $2 per day, per person, and people are more likely to tip housekeeping when they leave. Although, as Vesterfelt points out, if you make a special request, it’s ideal to tip then, too: “It’s not as customary, but if there is a request to have towels or toilet paper or something brought to the room, [sometimes] people give a dollar or two because you’re bringing that service to them.” This also applies to a hotel employee helping with your luggage: “While it’s not required, most people will give a tip [for this], and that can be anywhere from $2 to $5,” Vesterfelt says.

But should you tip per service, or at the end of your stay? According to Hayes, that depends, too. “You could go broke if you tip every time your car is brought around, or every time a cab is hailed,” Hayes says. “Different housekeepers may take care of your room during your stay, but tipping on your day of departure rewards the one with the hardest job.”

But no matter what you choose, your decision to tip does not go unnoticed. In fact, it may even help better your stay: “While I strive to give my all of my guests the best service possible, I will say that once I’ve established a relationship with a guest, I’m more inclined to go above and beyond for them,” explains Chapman. “By that I mean thinking about their preferences and itinerary without being asked, and trying to come up with new and interesting ways to wow them.”

And even though the hotel may be providing a certain amenity, it doesn’t mean the complimentary service should go unnoticed by your wallet. “We have a complimentary shuttle service and some people think: ‘Oh, this is just part of my free service,'” but here, Vesterfelt encourages tipping the driver at least $2 to $5. As a rule of thumb: If a hotel employee is doing extra work for you, it’s tip-worthy.

In Short: “If You’re Happy, Share The Wealth!”

While most hotel staff workers are receiving an hourly rate, their pay does not cover some worker fees. “I work in an urban luxury brand hotel where service fees are not included in my compensation,” explains Chapman. What’s more, not all hourly rates are created equal: “If you’re a housekeeper, front desk clerk, or a driver, we get paid at least minimum wage or higher, depending on the position,” Vesterfelt says. “But the bartenders, and on the food and beverage side, [they’re] getting like $2 an hour, so [they] rely on tips.”

In the end, Hayes summarizes the major takeaways as these: “1. People who tip up front, thinking it will prompt great service, tend to be more disappointed about their return on investment than guests who tip in response to great service. 2. Tipping is not obligatory in a hotel, but if you’re happy, share the wealth. 3. If you don’t have cash to spare, mentioning an employee by name on a survey or in a note to a manager will usually trigger an incentive paid out to the staff member too.”

This story is part of Glamour‘s guide to tipping. Tips are approximate and based on varying factors. Learn more about how much to give in this seven-part series.

How Much to Tip For Food Delivery: An Ultimate Guide

We all know how much you should tip a server in a restaurant: 18 to 20 percent is the gold standard across the board. And we’re happy to shell it out because those waiters bring you your food, often offer witty banter, and can tell you which blend of white will go best with your swordfish. But what about for those who are just responsible with getting food to your door? Like a Grubhub or Seamless driver?

While they might not refill your water glass throughout your meal, they’re still always there to bring you a bagel in a snowstorm (no, just me?) or wings for your Super Bowl party.

So do the restaurant rules still apply when your food is brought to your door, not the table? Glamour spoke with Grubhub drivers across the country for their recommendations. Read on for their best delivery service tipping advice.

How Much Grubhub Delivery Drivers Actually Earn

Unlike waiters, they aren’t paid by the restaurants outright. They’re paid by Grubhub—and it’s not based on the size or price of the order. “Grubhub has a $3.50 base [depending on location], plus mileage, any bonuses they’re offering, and tip,” says Curtis, who delivers for Grubhub in Denver. While actual fees can vary based upon the city or state you drive in, an anonymous driver in Rochester, New York shared that he gets paid, “50 cents a mile,” as his mileage rate. It’s also important to note that, “we don’t get paid from where we are to the restaurant, we only get paid from where we are to the diner, so we can drive up to 20 minutes sometimes to pick up the food that we’re not getting paid for,” says the Rochester driver.

But how do tips factor in? Because Grubhub actually accounts for tips in their payment algorithm—they matter a lot. For John William, a driver in Pennsylvania, “about 50 percent of my weekly earnings is from my tips,” he says. So when you go to tip your delivery driver, remember that it’s a huge portion of their overall pay.

They Have Fees You’d Never Think Of

Grubhub drivers don’t simply walk away with the full fee they’re earning. Much like those working for ride-share companies, the majority of a Grubhub driver’s work is done in their own car. So a portion of their paycheck goes back to gas and overall maintenance on their vehicle. Curtis in Denver estimates that he puts 12 percent of his paycheck back into his truck on things like needing, “new tires, oil changes—which can cost up to $25—or needing to have my brakes redone,” he says. And that’s without gas, which depending what kind of car you’re driving, can cost upwards of $50 a week.

Why It Pays to Tip

Something you might not know about Grubhub is that drivers can actually see just how much you’re tipping—before they accept your delivery request. “If you’re only tipping something like 10 or 40 cents, there are drivers that will open that order, see it, and reject it,” Curtis says. “It will get bounced over to another driver until somebody is willing to deliver it. Some drivers will even purposely hold the order before they re-assign it.” The Rochester driver has heard similar stories, “I’ve gotten orders that are already an hour late because they’ve gone through so many drivers who don’t want to pick it up because it wasn’t worth it. Or the order will just get canceled,” he explains. So if you want your food before it turns cold, you better tip generously. They’re watching.

What You Should Be Tipping

For the majority of orders, you should be tipping about 20 percent. Curtis advises, “if it’s a large order, and I’m going to a place like Outback Steakhouse and picking up $100 worth of food, 20 percent would be nice,” he says. But a lot of the orders he delivers are from fast food places, with a much smaller price tag. “Twenty percent on a Taco Bell delivery would be less than $2, so for smaller orders, around a $3 tip or so would be what I’d expect.” Also, if you live in a major city, not all delivery people drive—many bike or walk. So if the weather is atrocious or your order is a far distance to deliver, you should really consider giving more than the standard 20 percent. The more of a convenience it is for you should mean more of a tip for them.

Another thing to keep in mind is that if you’re going to tip in cash—which is totally acceptable—make sure to write it in the notes. “[Grubhub users] think they can give a cash tip, but if we’re not told, and just see we’re not getting the tip, we won’t do the order,” the Rochester driver says.

Just because they’re not waiting on your for the duration of the meal doesn’t mean they’re not doing a similar service, so tip them like you would any other waiter—they deserve it.

This story is part of Glamour‘s guide to tipping. Tips are approximate and based on varying factors. Learn more about how much to give in this seven-part series.

Who to Tip During the Holidays: An Ultimate Guide

We’ll be the first to tell you budgeting during the holiday season is hard. Buying gifts for your parents, siblings, and all your closest friends, can put a giant hole in your wallet year after year. Case in point: A whopping 74 percent of Americans reported that they failed to appropriately budget for the holidays last year, according to Varo Money.

Not to mention, gifts for your inner circle isn’t even scratching the surface of what’s socially acceptable, according to etiquette expert Myka Meier. Your doorman, dry cleaner, and superintendent (i.e. all of the people who make your life easier year-round) should be feeling the spirit of giving once a year too. Meier, a British-American who was trained by a former member of the Queen’s Household, says, “We tip people usually who provide a service, so you can think through which services you use regularly and decide who you may want to give a tip to.”

That might seem overwhelming, but international etiquette expert Sharon Schweitzer has an easy way to figure out your list. “Tip people who have been especially loyal,” she says. “In other words, for those of us who have pets, children, parents, or grandparents, if there is someone who has done consistent care for you and those treasured ones on a regular basis, during the holidays is when you want to express your appreciation for that.”

Your list should be catered to your life so think about yourself, the people in your life, and reflect on who’s really helped you this year. The people you can really count on should be at the very top of your list. Schweitzer’s dog walker is an example. “They walk our golden retriever and if something happens when we’re out of town, they’ll also take our pet to the emergency room. At the end of the year, because of their loyalty and the special things they do, we’re going to give them an extra gratuity because of the things they’ve done [beyond what’s expected].”

Before you start to stress, everyone’s financial situation is unique, so there are things to consider before you run to the closest ATM. “You should only tip what you can afford,” Meier says. “If your overall budget to tip is $150, make a list of everyone you want to tip, then break your budget down into amounts next to each person’s name until you know how much each will receive. This will also ensure you don’t go over budget.”

Shweitzer encourages people to go above and beyond and “give crisp, new dollar bills and put them in a nice card or a bank envelope. Write a handwritten note that expresses why you’re giving it to them and what it is that you truly appreciate. Even if it’s a short two sentences.”

Meier adds, if you really don’t have the extra funds, a nice card or a batch of freshly baked cookies are just as meaningful as pure cash.

Keep in mind that tipping amounts vary from state to state, says Schweitzer, who’s based in Texas. “What people tip in New York is going to differ from Dallas or Seattle,” she says. “The cost of living is different. Every state and every locale has different customs and different standards of living.” With all of that in mind, here’s a helpful list you can apply to your life to get started.

Nanny, babysitters, caregivers: one week’s pay

Building super: $25 to $100

Doormen: $25 to $100. But be sure to ask your management if there’s a tipping pool if you have more than one doorman. “Many large buildings will ask that all tips be put into a pot and split evenly,” Meier says. “If you have five doormen and have a great relationship with two, you can tip them slightly more than the others.”

Housekeeper: $25 to $100

Mail carrier/package courier: $10 to $30

Car park attendant: $20 to $50

Weekly help; i.e. trash collector, newspaper distributor, gardener, or dog walker: $10 to $30

For legal and ethical reasons, you shouldn’t tip government workers, doctors, or teachers. (See Schweitzer’s website for a full breakdown). But that doesn’t mean you can’t show them your appreciation in some other non-monetary way. Schweitzer, for instance, sends all of her doctors fruit baskets every year. And while you might feel the urge to tip delivery people for working so hard this time of year, check the policy on the company’s website before you do so, Schweitzer says.

Now that you’ve got all of that down, the timing of when to tip is also important. Meier says, the second week of December is ideal. “It’s a nice thing to be able to let someone take the money they earned in tips and put that toward their holiday shopping,” she says. Schweitzer says it’s still socially acceptable to wait until New Years, but really “the sooner, the better. You do not want to wait.”

This story is part of Glamour‘s guide to tipping. Tips are approximate and based on varying factors. Learn more about how much to give in this seven-part series.

How Much to Tip Your Uber Driver: An Ultimate Guide

Sometimes I feel like I spend half of my life in an Uber (and my recent history on the app might just confirm that). And I’m not the only one. The ever-popular ride-sharing company, which launched in 2009, is now in nearly all 50 states, the majority of U.S. cities, and is creating hubs in more and more countries. But while I can barely remember a time before I wasn’t using Uber—tipping your driver only became an option as of June 2017, (unless you were already giving your drivers a cash bonus, which in that case, props to you).

When tipping became a function on the Uber app, I, for one, was confused. Was it optional? Should I tip on all my rides? Is the amount based on distance, or how much I like my driver? Over a year and a half later, many of us are still plagued with these same questions.

So to shed some light on how much you should really be giving, Glamour spoke with Uber drivers across the country to find out. Read on for their real-life advice.

What Uber Drivers Actually Make

According to Market Watch, the Uber payment breakdown goes like this: On average, Uber drivers typically collect $24.77 per hour in passenger fares. From there, Uber takes $8.33 in commissions and fees, which is about a third of the fares. Now, you have to factor in gas (you know, the fuel that lets the driver get you from point A to point B). It’s been reported that gas and other maintenance fees cost drivers about $4.87 an hour—leaving them with an average total of $11.77 for their work.

Sarah, a Denver-based driver, has made between $20,000 to $31,000 per year working for Uber about 40 hours per week—but she makes sure to underscore that how much you’re making has many variables: “I moved from Houston to Denver, where trip requests seem to be more consistent,” says Sarah. “I’m not putting as many miles on my car given that Denver is a smaller city. I made around $500 per week in Houston at 45+ hours per week. Here in Denver, I make closer to $800 per week at 30 hours per week.” The majority of a driver’s pay is coming from Uber itself, not a drivers’ tips. For Ann in St. Louis, and many other drivers, only “5 percent or less” of her earnings come from tips.

How Uber Drivers Spend Their Hard-Earned Money

Uber drivers aren’t given a car to drive, an unlimited credit card for gas, or a stipend for maintenance fees. When people choose to drive for Uber, they’re using a personal car—and taking all responsibilities for any wear or tear to the vehicle.

As detailed in the average driver’s payment breakdown above, you have to factor in roughly $4.87 an hour toward things like gas and maintenance. So how much are people really spending on these fees? Roger, who drives in upstate New York, estimates that “25 percent of what I make goes to gas and vehicle expenses. For the drivers who have older vehicles, which require more repair [than mine], it could even be more,” he says.

Have you ever enjoyed some “perks” on your ride? Like water, gum, or a phone charger? Uber isn’t shelling out any extra cash to make your ride more enjoyable. Those treats come from the drivers themselves. Faith in Chicago factors in, “$2 to $5 for a case of water, which can often total $20 a month, plus $20 monthly for candy, and about $30 a month on WiFi for the car, not to mention gas fees and oil changes,” she says.

How Much to Tip Your Uber Driver

Most Uber drivers are tipped infrequently—something they’re desperately hoping will change. Data from Uber shows that the most common trips to tip on are airport rides, highly rated drivers with great interactions, as well as weekend and night trips. Yves in Chicago has also found that she’s most likely to be tipped on rides, “to and from the airport, or business people early in the morning.” Sarah in Denver has noticed an uptick in tipping when it comes to, “rides with multiple stops, especially ones requiring me to wait for them,” she says. But it’s not enough.

Uber drivers hope that riders will start to consider Uber tipping to be on par with what you tip others in the service industry. “We tip at least 15 percent to waiters and waitresses, ride-share drivers are using their own vehicles, paying to keep them maintained and cleaned better than most cars on the road, so 15 percent should be the default tip percentage,” says Valerie in Georgia. Zuwena, who drives in Portland, Oregon, also agrees with this: “I’d love if people tipped their drivers like in other service industries for good service. I always tip my server, bartender, or taxi driver 18 percent, and Uber is no different,” she says.

Drivers also acknowledge that because the ride prices are often so low—sometimes a percentage like 18 percent won’t amount to enough. So you can also think on some flat fees like, “If the car is clean, ride is safe and they are catered to with phone chargers, and music options, then $5 would be nice for a trip more than 5 to 10 miles. $3 for short trips [is good],” says Stacy in Texas.

So even if you’re in an Uber pool, and your ride is $4—80 cents isn’t going to cut it. Be fair to the person in the driver’s seat.

This story is part of Glamour‘s guide to tipping. Tips are approximate and based on varying factors. Learn more about how much to give in this seven-part series.

Nick Jonas Secretly Filmed Priyanka Chopra Watching *Elf* for the First Time, and It Was the Cutest

Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra’s “marital bliss” continues, this time with an outdoor movie night. While most of us were ordering sad takeout and watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy, the newly-married Chopra and Jonas took in a screening of Elf on an outdoor projection screen in the coziest backyard ever. Whose backyard were they even in? Chopra’s? Jonas’? The catalog for a ski resort? Who knows! All I know is their little date looked both snuggly and luxe AF.

This was, apparently, Chopra’s first time watching Elf. Before you climb aboard the “How has she never seen Elf?” train, remember that Priyanka Chopra is an international movie star, one-time pop queen, and former Miss World titleholder. She doesn’t have the space in her calendar to watch old Will Ferrell movies. She’s too busy being iconic.

Jonas lovingly (and secretly) captured Chopra’s expressions while watching *Elf * for the first time, and they were adorable, naturally. At one point she starts singing “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town,” completely unaware that Jonas is filming. At another she’s audibly gasping, and Jonas is cracking up. It’s honestly so sweet and reminds me that I’m very, very single.

As if Jonas and Chopra’s post-wedding selfie didn’t remind me of that yesterday. “Marital bliss they say,” Chopra captioned a cuddly pic of herself and Jonas.

What pop-culture things can Chopra now introduced Jonas to, though? Has he seen the full music video and choreography for her song “Exotic?” Put that up on the big screen after Elf wraps, you two. That is a work of art and deserves to be seen by the masses.

Related Stories:

Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas Just Posted Their First Married Selfie

This Is Why Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas Are Delaying Their Honeymoon

The Romantic Hidden Meaning Behind Priyanka Chopra’s Wedding Henna